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Spam Fritters

May 21, 2013
The world's favourite meat-like substance since

The world’s favourite meat-like substance since 1937

Ah, the internet.  It truly is a magical place of wonder and amazement. It  holds the sum total of human knowledge, carefully organised, catalouged and placed at our very fingertips. It gives us instant access to millions of other humans all over the globe.  It brings people together to co-exists in wonderful online communities, where pretty much anyone can find another soul to connect to, no matter how lonely and isolated they may feel in the real world.  And of course it’s chock full of porn too, which is a nice bonus.

As much as I’m in awe of this wonder of the modern age I do have to admit I’m not very good at using it, or computers in general for that matter. The very fact that I managed to set up and maintain this blog without blowing up my laptop is something of a minor miracle in itself. The day I finally worked out how to insert pictures into the posts after so much angst-filled, inept fumbling felt like some kind of magnificent triumph, despite it being something most eight-year olds could probably figure out. It’s good job I figured it out when I did though, as I was getting closer and closer to my usual solution to fixing recalcitrant technology – smashing it repeatedly with a hammer while crying.  I’m pleased I managed to avoid that as I can’t really afford a new laptop at the moment.

But while I might be a total chump when it comes to computers I do still occasionally get asked for advice on matters technological by those who are even less capable than me, primarily members of my family. I’m not totally sure what makes them so sure I’ll be able to help them, but I think I can guess how their thought process works –

‘Hey! Ben’s a geek who likes Star Trek and that junk, therefore he must be some kind of computer genius nerd type! Ipso facto!’

So just like that I’m called upon to try and re-install Windows, download anti-virus software, work out why Youtube is all jumpy and so on.  And all the time I’m fighting down the urge to reach for my hammer.

There is one thing I’m actually useful for computer-wise though. I’ve held an e-mail account and dabbled round the net long enough to know spam or hoaxes when I see them.  A couple of times I’ve saved members of my family from falling prey to that kind of stuff by convincing them that the e-mail they’ve received isn’t really from their bank, despite it have the exact look, font, right names and so on. After all, Spam is becoming more and more sophisticated these days. While I still get the unconvincing e-mails from Nigerian bankers offering me millions of dollars in unclaimed money (possibly along with a free sample of Viagra/slimming pills/steamy phone sex/etc thrown in), on the whole spam is getting slicker and easier to fall for if one doesn’t stay savvy.

Reassuringly though, there is one place that the spam isn’t getting smarter, and that’s right here on WordPress. The spam I get here takes the form of comments on posts that try to win the blogger over with flattery, while containing a sneaky link to whatever the spammer is pushing.  Some of these fake posts are true paragons of the wacky spam artform, and range from the odd to the downright bizarre.  They are without fail  filtered out by that Askimet program thing (which seems to be terribly clever) but I’ve saved some of my favourites from the last few months, which I’d like to share with you today.

Lets start of with something relatively tame:

‘Right away I am going away to do my breakfast, once having my breakfast coming yet again to read other

Maybe this is just my childish sense of humour, but I really was surprised by the phrase ‘do my breakfast’. Now, I’m an open minded type of guy – if someone wants to have get down and dirty with their petit dejeuner then I’m not one to judge them for it.  I just don’t expect them to post on my blog about it.  Not only does it fall quite firmly into the ‘too much information’ category it also sets me off thinking about what kind of breakfast dishes a chap could have carnal relationships with. A Shredded Wheat? A Cumberland sausage? Really thick porridge?

Hey baby... looking for a good time?

Hey baby… looking for a good time?

Anyway.  Time to move on I think.  How about this one:

‘You can certainly see your enthusiasm within the paintings you write. The arena hopes for even more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to mention how they believe. At all times go after your heart.’

I don’t really recall writing any paintings, but I’m pleased this fellow liked them. And I don’t think I’ve ever been called ‘passionate’ before.  Which is rather sad when I think about it.  Maybe I should go after my heart more.  And maybe this next post will give me some advice on how to do that.

I told him I was the last time I looked in the dictionary. The fleshlight Vibro is the Nexus Prostate Bullet that has a 10% chance of killing me at some point in their lives the most effective way I know of in the world. Don’t minimize your teen’s feelings, and reassure your teen that you care.’

What? This one is about sex toys isn’t it? I’m no expert but ‘fleshlight vibro’ and ‘nexus prostate bullet’ sound like sex toys, right? But sex toys that have a 10% of killing me? The hell? And what the heck do sex toys have to do with reassuring my teen that I care?  Does this spammer really think the best way to communicate with a troubled teenager is by giving them a nexus prostate bullet that has a 10% death rate?  When I read this one I thought I’d found the Holy Grail of WordPress spam. Surely, the wacky world of the internet couldn’t top this one, I thought.  But when I saw this next one, I new I’d spoken too soon.

‘Not as often, but I didn’t care. The primary difference is woman’s” unlimited supply of Yin-essence” as compared to Tenga or the Artificial Vagina. First of all, in fact that none of these events were physically traumatic except for maybe the heroin, they were in standard swim attire. Part of the adult industry masturbate together on stage using the artificial vagina as you like before succumbing to eternal damnation. 0 Comments Here’s to a hoopy frood who really knew where his towel was.’

Now, by my own admission I’m no internet expert, but I’ve encountered a few of those meme-things in my time and thought one of them could provide an appropriate comeback to this zenith of spammery. I considered memes such as ‘Sounds Legit‘, ‘Wat?’ or maybe ‘Derp‘ as a fitting response. Or maybe something in a face-palming Picard, a tea sipping Takei or a sarcastic Willy Wonka? But in the end I decided to settle for a good old fashioned ‘What the fucking fuck?’

Seriously. Artificial vagina and yin essence? Heroin in swim attire? Masturbating on stage and eternal damnation? And all topped of with the hoopy frood/towel line which, if memory serves, is something from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy? I can only assume that this spammer was relying on people to be so baffled and intrigued by the sheer insanity of the post that they’d fall into some kind of trance-state and click on the hidden link for penis-enlarging pills in a confused haze.

I’m really not sure how to follow that last one, so I think I’d best leave it there.  I’ve got stuff to be on with anyway, as I’ve decided to try and change the ‘theme’ thing for this here blog to make it look a bit posher, with some more fancy menus and a header logo and so on. Given my previous experiences with WordPress and my general ineptitude I expect this to not be an easy or pain-free process.  I’d best keep my hammer on standby.


From → Musings

  1. I thought that all Star Trek fans automatically had an affinity for technology and now you say it’s just not necessarily true? Mind blown…just like the breakfast.

    This was my latest spam: “What is up, just wanted to say, I loved this publish. It was practical. Maintain on posting!”

    You too, maintain on posting!

    • Indeed. We should all maintain on posting, and we should also ensure we don’t forget our towels. Or prostate bullets, whatever the heck they actually are.

  2. dleonard permalink

    You do seem to get better spam than I do. Last time I I was offered the heroin in swim attire they gave me only an 8% chance of survival.

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